Christmas is almost here, and with it the end of the year. Which, as a window to how my mind works, means we’re getting closer to baseball season! So, with opening day 97 days away, I wanted to find a way to marry America’s past time and the holiday season, which was the genesis of this article. This is a baseball team entirely comprised of characters from all your favorite Christmas films. One ground rule before we get it rolling, we here at the Broadway Breakdown believe Die Hard is Christmas movie, so its characters are fair game. Now let’s dive in and introduce you to the North Pole’s finest ball club.

Broadcaster

Gus Polinksi, Home Alone: You didn’t think I’d put this team together and ignore a broadcaster, did you? The voice of this team is Gus Polinksi, Polka King of Midwest, seller of 623 copies in Sheboygan, the folks there loved it. I couldn’t leave John Candy out of this article as he remains one of my favorite actors to this day, and his memorable cameo appearance in Home Alone further endeared him to moviegoers everywhere. It’s probably cheating in part because Candy played voice of the Cubs “Cliff Murdoch” in Rookie of the Year and he really felt like a natural broadcaster in the part. What does Gus bring to the table? Hot polka tunes, stories of touring the upper Midwest and a whole bunch of polka bum pals. He’d rival Gary, Keith and Ron by himself!

General Manager

Hans Gruber, Die Hard: Our first Die Hard character is none other than the ringleader of the heist/terror attack on the Nakatomi building, Hans Gruber. Alan Rickman’s iconic turn as the villain in the first film of the franchise is always fun to revisit all these years later. They say it’s not Christmas until Hans falls off the building, but that’s not why he’s the GM of this team. Hans is in charge because he assembled a crack team of the East German all-stars to try and rob a high rise. Seriously it takes an eye for talent to find Karl, Tony, Franco, Marco, Alexander, Uli, Eddie, Kristoff, and the next member of the front office.

Head of Analytics

Theo, Die Hard: We’re sticking with Die Hard for our head of analytics, with Theo, the tech wizard himself to crunch the numbers. Theo, played by Clarence Gilyard Jr., is brought in by Hans to crack the vault code and drill through the security system following Mr. Takagi’s untimely demise. He spends most of the film couped up in the vault room doubting Christmas miracles are a real thing, but isn’t that what we want in a pencil pusher looking at x-woba? Theo could be our Peter Brand, finding the inefficiency in the game to combat the fundamental misunderstanding of how runs are scored…just as long as he knows the quarterback doesn’t play baseball.

Manager

Clark Griswold, Christmas Vacation: Who else could be the skipper of this team than the all-American father we all love, Clark Griswold? Chevy Chase’s iconic run as the National Lampoon’s family man hit its peak in Christmas Vacation if you ask me as he captures Clark’s happy go lucky golden retriever approach to life perfectly in the film. For those in need of a refresher, Clark decides he and his wife Ellen are going to host a family Christmas at their house which leads to a house full for over two weeks…a truly psychotic move if you ask me. Of course, his holiday plans fall apart and despite a near crash out, Clark keeps his eyes on the prize and ensures the family has a memorable and “enjoyable” Christmas. How does that translate to the diamond? Simple folks, he can lead his team through adversity.

Starting Pitcher

Buddy the Elf, Elf: He wants to know what your favorite color is and loves saying Francisco Lindor’s name. Buddy the Elf, portrayed by Will Ferrell in Elf, toes the slab for us in this one with his old man Walter Hobbs (played by James Caan) in the front row cheering him on…hopefully. This was honestly an easy pick for me for two reasons. The first being the sequence in the film where Buddy and his brother Michael get into a snowball fight with some school bullies that Buddy dominates with his hose of an arm. The second of course is because Ferrell played baseball in spring training several years ago, appearing in five Cactus league contests against real major league players at multiple positions. Also, is it me or is Buddy’s lanky frame giving Randy Johnson vibes?

Catcher

Yukon Cornelius, Rudolph the Red Nosed-Reindeer: Tell me old Yukon here couldn’t have played for Harvey’s “Wallbangers” Brewers back in the 80’s?! Yes, it’s time for our first character from the stop motion animation classic Rudolph the Red Nosed-Reindeer, Yukon Cornelius who was voiced by Larry D. Mann. Yukon leads his team of sled dogs across the frozen tundra which isn’t really a translatable skill to “the show,” but when you’re sporting that much facial hair and conjuring up visions of Gorman Thomas, you have to make the squad behind the plate.

First Baseman

John Mcclane, Die Hard: We’re headed back to LA and the Nakatomi building to introduce you to our team captain and first baseman, John Mcclane! Bruce Willis classic performance as the swaggering yet human New York detective and hero of 1988’s Die Hard always puts a smile on my face around this time of year. John being a New Yorker in the 80’s probably loved Don Mattingly or Keith Hernandez and shared some qualities with both. So with that in mind we’ll put him at first base, give him the C, and have him talk the oppositions ear off at the bag to distract them, after all John was a chatterbox with Al Powell!

Second Baseman

Kevin Mccallister, Home Alone: As we make our way around the horn, the second base position is traditionally defined by the smaller scrappier type of player. So if we’re looking for a crafty diminutive guy, then we must return to the Home Alone franchise and sign Kevin Mccallister to this ball club. Kevin despite his small size is crafty as all hell and can do almost anything needed to survive…and therefore help us win games. Turning two with his shortstop partner, breaking up double plays, grinding out a tough at bat. None of it is any different than fending off Marv and Harry with toy guns and hot wheels.

Shortstop

George Bailey, It’s a Wonderful Life: Now we go back in time for a Christmas classic, Frank Capra’s 1946 film, It’s a Wonderful Life, brings us our shortstop. The one and only George Bailey played by the ever so charming Jimmy Stewart, showing off his range above. George played football, and he did a fine job, so surely, he can go out there and flash some leather deep in the hole at short. If not anything else, he’ll be a great clubhouse guy.

Third Baseman

The Grinch, How The Grinch Who Stole Christmas: To the hot corner where the opposite of a clubhouse guy will be asked to flash his leather and drive in runs. Jim Carrey’s specific take on the Grinch from 2000 is tasked with manning third base. Why you ask? Because the man showed off plenty of athleticism throughout the film. Bungee jumping down a chimney, zip lining around the lair, the guy would make Greg Nettles and Brooks Robinson proud. Sure, he isn’t the best teammate, but the heart grows three sizes every spring training!

Left Fielder

The Abominable Snowman, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Now it’s time for the outfield, and I was thinking, maybe this team needs a real monster in the middle of the order. I mean after all, “gonezilla” patrolled left field at Yankee Stadium, so why can’t the abominable snowman do the same for us? Now’s there’s a few reasons why we’re going with the big guy in left. First off, the corner outfield positions are supposed to pack some offensive punch, and who has more brute home run strength than a Yeti? Second, defensive ability! Sure, he might not be able to run the ball down in the gap with any speed, but good luck hitting the ball over the fence on this guy! After all he out the star on the tree.

Center Fielder

Rudolph, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: With the monster in left, we need to stick with his film to find some center field range and athleticism. Let me give you a mental image, Jim Edmonds on four legs. That’s the comp for Rudolph who will go and get it in center and the alleys to his left and right! Gold glove caliber work and he’s his own light if the stadium loses power during a night game. Could probably distract the hitters with that nose as well!

Right Fielder

Snow Miser, The Year Without a Santa Claus: Now it’s time for the other corner outfield spot, and I feel like we need to get a vibes guy in here, someone like Nick Swisher. So who better to turn to than Snow Miser, from The Year Without a Santa Claus! The older and jollier of the miser brothers, “snowy” would be a lift to the room when he breaks out into song and cracks a few jokes. I’m not sure I even care if he contributes much on the field, we just need a glue guy to keep the fellas loose over 162 games.

Utility Player

Ellis, Die Hard: Ahhh the bench guy, another vibes guy who can bring some energy and absurd amounts of confidence. So, with those skills in mind, we go to crack negotiator turned dead hostage Ellis from Die Hard! Ellis, portrayed by Hart Bochner, is introduced to us “having a good time” before he’s shoved aside by John and Mr. Takagi. His “main character energy” leads to him trying to get everyone released from Hans and the gang, which doesn’t work out so good. Truly the type of guy who belongs on the bench and can pinch hit or run to bring some spark…asking him to do anything more than that is a risk.

Relief Pitcher

Willie, Bad Santa: Now it’s time for the bullpen, a position group in baseball that usually brings some unique characters to the fold. So, the first of two relievers on the list is Santa himself…or not quite Santa but rather everyone’s favorite mall Santa, Willie played by Billy Bob Thornton in 2003’s Bad Santa. Foul mouthed, drunk and showing a general disdain for the rest of humanity, Thornton is hilarious in the role. He’s probably a guy that could only really have pitched in the 70’s or 80’s, but you need arms to fill innings, so let’s sign him up!

Closer

Cousin Eddie, Christmas Vacation: The last player on our team is perhaps the most important, the closer, as a bad one can ruin your season. The thing about them is that they are wired differently from most player in baseball, because they do the most pressure packed job in the game. The challenge of getting three outs can really wear on a human so we turn to someone so bizarre that the game can’t break him, ladies and gentlemen I give you, Cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation. Eddie is one of the most bizarre characters in all of cinema for so many reasons. From his love of hamburger helper to the hanging out with the yak woman, Eddie is the perfect kind of strange to come in for the final three outs. Just don’t let him empty the septic tank at the ballpark.

That does it for the assembling of our roster and what a collection it is. I hope you enjoyed reading this one as much as I enjoyed putting it together, as this is a story I have wanted to write for some time. We’ve got another holiday themed article coming your way soon as well as plenty of other content. Stay tuned and have a happy and healthy holiday everyone! On twitter you can find Mike @Mike_Sheerin, Tyler @TMon_19 and Sean @SeanMartinNFL. Subscribe to the site by hitting the follow button in the bottom right corner and entering your email address. Check out our Instagram feed @thebroadwaybreakdownsports for special gameday and promotional content. Our podcasts are available on Spotify. Visit the Rangers Ed Shop by clicking the link on our homepage. Check out our mailbag page to join the conversation here on the site and on our partners show, The Rangers Ed Podcast! We’ll be back with more soon.